Reflections from Bed

I’m having one of those moments. Ya know, the late night, eyes wide open, restless moments that used to come to me weekly if not every other day in the recent past. Sleep has been a priority and I discovered that I had much deprivation in this category for so long that it was really wearing on my mental and physical health. Huh, as many smarts as I have in those areas, I really didn’t put sleep as a priority and would try to make up a week’s worth of poor sleep with a long weekend nap. Silly rabbit! Sleep is for wimps! or so I thought. The most amazing inspirations, insights, and blasts of writing would come to me during those long, quiet hours of the night when my mind was so clear and on fire. I didn’t have a “to do” list and consecutive acts of parenting and work tasks  slamming me in the face like waves slapping up on the side of a docked boat.

I do miss the prolific surges of ideas and words from those manic moments. I hope to have similar episodes soon since my pen and paper tablet are a bit dusty. For now I crave rest and sleep to make up for lost hours of re-cooperation. That elusive writing fever remains cool and keeps her distance…for now.

“Someday you’ll find someone special again. People who’ve been in love once usually do. It’s in their nature.”
— Nicholas Sparks

(Source - blogspot)

Forgiveness of others begins with forgiving myself. The work seems heart-wrenchingly mountainous yet simple all at once - I must forgive myself first for being tall, clumsy, inappropriate, naughty, tardy, impatient, impulsive, insecure, and imperfect times 10.
I stand up straight, shoulders back, head held high with my long, lovely arms stretched out and embrace being tall, elegant, sassy, sensual, passionate, unsure, energetic, caring, hilarious, intense, and most definitely imperfect.
Only now can I begin to let go of memories of those who have been unkind, dishonest, hurtful, or just unaware. To those who should have known better, to those who were finding their way, to those of you who were affected by my selfishness, my arms are wide open. I understand now. I have grown light years in knowing that to embrace a full life, one must expect disappointment and pain, and focus on learning, love, and joy.
Some of you have passed away, some of you no longer cross my path, and some of you still bring sunshine to my days.  To all of you I ask for your forgiveness as I offer mine. - Peace

(source Narkissa)

The cool fresh spring breeze catches me by surprise as I open the window. Gasping for air I force myself to take the shiver of this chill so I can just breathe. You know. Really breathe from the tip of my lips through my mouth down my esophagus, and allow the oxygen to rush quickly past my lungs and fill my entire torso. I know the breathing process doesn’t really work that way, but I imagined this luscious spring filled air taking over my entire body, even my soul. As if I was experiencing that moment before death, grasping on to my last breath. I took a chance for resuscitation. Taking a chance to feel the precious experience of being alive.
What does that entail one wonders? Death is unavoidable, but for someone like me, the ordinary, the mundane, routine and predictability feels like death. This does not sustain me. Does not inspire and rejuvenate my passion for the new and the mysterious. So I sit cross legged on my bed, with my most precious MacBook, a position I have found myself in many times before. However today this felt very different. I had french songs going through my head, the sun looked brighter, the air smelled sweeter. My fingers could not keep up with the brilliance I thought I was experiencing. I was so scared to lose this moment. That something or someone would distract me and the enlightenment would be lost forever.
When experiencing this in the past, these little moments of divine intervention,  I would quickly make lists of all the important tasks that I thought I HAD to do to push myself to the next level of my evolution.
What a relief today to finally see that less really is more. That sometimes doing nothing gets me “there” in a healthier, more mature way. Just sitting with “it”, in it, beside it, and embrace the essence of me at this very moment, may just be the smartest move to make.
We can give our heart and soul to another. Work hard. Play even harder. Use distractions and entertaining habits to pass the time. Truly, until one can “sit with their own shit”, they are just eluding the truth, and are not able to wholeheartedly, genuinely love and just be at peace.—

I may be one step closer to something better. Yet I look forward and see so much that lies in front of me. Obstacles that seem to hinder movement towards this healthier, stronger place cloud my motivations at times. Some things I have placed in my way. While other barriers are not of my doing.

Do I just step over the ones that seem to hold me back or get in my way without my usual attempt to help them to a safer, better place? It is not my nature to abandon or turn away from those who seem to need me. My heart breaks at the thought of walking away, even if remaining results in being dragged down along side them.

I am often disappointed by people with selfish intent. I’m in love yet love sick. Heartfelt yet heartbroken. Inspired yet quiet. Invincible yet defeated. Positive and cynical all at once. This inner struggle haunts me even now while I feel on the brink of something spectacular.

Life should be lived Luxuriously. Not in a ridiculous material way. That just leaves one empty and broke. My actions must be done in a lovely spirited manner where my head and heart are focused upward and outward, while indulging in pleasure with unrestrained delight and freedom*. The focus must be to grow vigorously and flourish and thrive* in all that I do. I guess I can’t worry about failure or loneliness. I’ll  “just keep swimming” and hope for the best.

(*Webster)